Knowing so vividly what you’re trying to escape — yet having no map for what you DO want to is a strange (and often miserable!) place to be.

It’s within this paradox, this state of mind, where the journey with most of my clients begins.

They come to me feeling stuck, indecisive and unable to commit — surrounded by a lingering sense of dissatisfaction, yet with absolute clarity over one particular area of their life — what they don’t want.

After they share their story with me, including the frustration and disappointment they experience, I ask them:

“If you’re absolutely clear on what you don’t want — then why do you tolerate it?”

For most of my clients, this questions brings up feelings of resistance and discomfort that come from taking an honest look at themselves, including the ways in which they contribute to the circumstances they say they don’t want.

And I get it — it’s a tough question to answer, but being radically honest about how not changing may serve or protect you in some way will give you insight into why you struggle to move beyond your current limitations.

The point I’m trying to make, is that not knowing where you’re heading, tolerating the very things you say that you don’t want, or worse — complaining about it without making the necessary changes is a recipe for becoming a ghost in your own half-lived life.

Yes — in a weird and twisted way — sometimes, the things we are most frustrated by can also the things we have a subconscious attachment to. For some, this means being attached to comfort and predictability, whereas for others, it means gaining attention, acceptance or sympathy from others.

Like one of my clients, who we’ll call “Sarah”. Sarah’s job as a CMO was a whirlwind of deadlines and demands. Every day, she was swamped with emails, meetings, and tough-to-please clients. It was a lot, and she felt it deeply — both the real and imagined load of what everyone expected from her.

The weight was heavy, and she used every opportunity to complain about it.

Over coffee with colleagues, at lunch with friends, Sarah was the first to vent, “Can you believe they added another project to my schedule?” or, “I was the last one out of the office again last night, it’s like no one else cares as much as I do.” And then the inevitable “I just can’t do this anymore.”

When I suggested approaching her manager to discuss boundaries regarding her workload or potentially looking for a new job at a less demanding firm, Sarah shrank back. The thought of venturing into unknown territory, possibly facing rejection or criticism, was paralysing.

However, despite the clear signs of burnout and the availability of alternatives that might have led to a healthier and more balanced life, a part of Sarah relished the constant drama. Her narrative of being misunderstood and mistreated brought her a lot of attention and sympathy, reinforcing her identity as an indispensable, hard-done-by executive.

This drama, as exhausting as it was, fed into an old unfulfilled need for recognition and sympathy, making it hard to let go.

And so, as much as she claimed her limits, it was easier — and strangely satisfying — to stay in the familiar chaos she knew all to well than to confront the challenge that would help her to move beyond the circumstances she said she couldn’t deal with any longer.

Sarah’s victimhood became her shield — her comfort zone, protecting her from the bigger (and scarier!) battle of standing her ground, all while serving her to connect with others and ‘earn’ the recognition and occasional sympathy she secretly thrived on.

Like Sarah, holding on to what you don’t want can feel like the safer bet because it either serves you or protects you from something you fear on a deeper level. Yet, to get back in the driver’s seat of life and unlock the door to a more fulfilling existence, you must dare to draw a line and say:

“This far and no further.”

Instead of using your dissatisfaction as a reason to complain, you must learn to see it as a point of entry, an invitation to explore what lies under and beyond the confines of your discontent.

It’s an opportunity to seize this clarity, this awareness of the undesirable, and use it as the raw material to set higher standards for yourself, how you wish to live and what you wish to achieve and experience in this lifetime.

It’s about recognising the need to shift from a helpless bystander in your own existence to the architect of your destiny.

So I challenge you to accept the invitation.

Your current state of dissatisfaction and clarity about what you don’t want are, in fact, a powerful launching pad. It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s ripe with potential.

The first step? Embracing a mindset of exploration and openness, willing to question, willing to dream, and most importantly, willing to act.

To put this into practice, think about what you say you don’t want, and ask yourself:

1. If I’m absolutely clear on what I no longer want — then why do I tolerate it?
2. How is not changing serving me? What does it protect me from?
3. What do I tell myself that will happen if I draw the line? What am I afraid to confront?
4. If I were to approach this situation as my most courageous self, what standards would I be willing to set to ensure I no longer tolerate what I truly don’t want in my life?
5. If I overcome this challenge, what personal strengths and qualities do I develop? How would these strengths impact me, my growth and my future?
6. If I decide to draw the line, to say this far and no further, what qualities or experiences do I want to invite into my life instead?

Spend some time here, but please promise me one thing… decide.

Because too many people say they want to change, but when it comes to it, they are unwilling to acknowledge and own their part. But the truth is, if you’re not willing to own your part, then you might as well learn to love your life exactly the way it is.

So I’ll leave you with one last question:

Change or tolerate?

The choice is yours.