After sharing my Oscar-worthy moment of drama during a training run for my upcoming race last week, I had an interesting conversation with one of my clients in the following days.

We were talking about the point in my training where — in a moment of raw, unfiltered emotion brought on by exhaustion and fear — my inner victim made himself known by launching the biggest rock I could find down the 1200m of elevation that I had run up.

My client asked, “Jord, how do you actually lead yourself through those moments? I mean, I can see how I’m sabotaging my progress, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it.”

And my client isn’t alone here, as this seems to have resonated with quite a few people who have now reached out to me asking one particular question:

“How do I take back control when the inner victim takes over?”

That’s why, for this week, I wanted to share some in-depth, practical advice on becoming aware of your inner victim, acknowledging that part of yourself, befriending it, and ultimately integrating it so that you can break free from the strange, all too familiar, repeating loop.

As being aware is just half the battle, to truly live a fully-lived life, we must bridge the gap between the knowing and the doing — so that we can not just LEAD when things are easy, but also when we face the parts of our lives that we so desperately wish to avoid.

Because if we let our inner victim get what it wants whenever it throws its toys out of the pram, we sabotage our potential and stay stuck exactly where we are, wherever that may be.

This is why I’ve taken this opportunity to provide you with a slightly longer form email, a guide to recognise and integrate your inner-victim. I hope you enjoy the read.

(I promise I did try to keep it as short, yet valuable, as possible!)

So let’s start from the beginning, and get clear on what the inner victim actually is.

Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung described the inner victim as just one of the parts of the “shadow self”, the compilation of the disowned parts of ourselves that we are unable or find difficult, if not completely disturbing, to accept.

It refers to the unconscious aspects of our psyche that control the way we view and respond to the world around us and is made up of thoughts, feelings, and desires that are repressed or suppressed (pushed down!) because we don’t like or feel ashamed of, or behaviours we believe are socially unacceptable, inferior or evil.

These may include negative emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, desire, and the striving for power. But they can also include positive attributes such as intelligence, courage, joy, personal power, independence, or emotional sensitivity — basically, any part of ourselves that wasn’t welcome or was even unsafe to express.

But when it comes to the inner victim, it refers to the parts of us that carry the burden of pain, fear, or shame, like the little kid in us who is still waiting for the love or support they need when they needed it most (aka when they felt most alone and helpless).

The more we repress and deny these parts of ourselves, the harder they backfire — resulting in a so-called self-fulfilling prophecy, a sociological term used to describe a prediction or expectation that causes itself to become true.

And just like a real child, this part of us can throw tantrums, act out, and generally make a mess of things if it doesn’t get what it wants, blaming anyone and anything in sight for its frustrations.

Blame is the inner victim’s go-to defence mechanism. When things go wrong, it’s easier to point fingers than to look inward and take responsibility. This part of us loves to cast others as the villains in our stories — be it our parents, our bosses, our (ex) partners, or even society or life itself.

It clings to the belief that if only someone else had done something differently, things would be easier, or different now.

And yes, it may provide some form of temporary relief by shifting responsibility away from ourselves. But this relief comes at a cost. It keeps us stuck, prevents us from growing, and sabotages our potential.

When our focus is directed towards what others did or didn’t do, we give away our power to change our circumstances. We stay trapped in a cycle of victimhood, waiting for someone else to make things right.

In terms of now, you might start forming the conclusion that this part doesn’t exist within you. But I’m sorry to disappoint you, to a certain extent, the inner victim lives within all of us.

The key is not to deny or punish this part of ourselves by pretending it doesn’t exist or fighting against it but to integrate it, befriend it, and use it to our full potential.

Integration of the disowned inner part means taking ownership and responsibility for it, rather than rejecting or denying it. On the other hand, the opposite of integration is to ‘disintegrate’ — or to become fragmented and divided into pieces.

A person who ‘acts out’, ‘breaks down’, or ‘falls apart’, for instance, hasn’t been able to cope with stress and has repressed too many parts of their personality traits, especially shadow-self traits, to function normally.

This is why integration is essential: it helps us become whole again — which is where the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach comes in. Which in simple terms, is a bit like running a family meeting with all these internal parts of ourselves, giving each one a voice, and, ultimately, a role in our life.

But the trick isn’t just to acknowledge it but also to discern between the levels of compassion and accountability that we give to our inner victim.

Too much compassion without accountability, and we let it run rampage through our lives. It will learn that with every cry or tantrum, it gets exactly what it wants — your attention, your empathy, but above all, your return to familiar grounds — to safety. For some (read most!) this means reenacting self-limiting behaviours or dysfunctional relationship dynamics.

On the flip side, when accountability overshadows our compassion, the essential balance within us tips. Our ‘protector’ parts, initially in control, become overwhelmed. In its place arises the ‘firefighter’ — a more forceful part driven by urgency, ready to do whatever it takes to extinguish the threat, real or imagined, in an attempt to save us.

What we need to do, is find that sweet spot — because if we don’t, our disowned parts will run the show, and more accurately, they will dictate the course of our lives.

Take my client, “John”, for example. John is a successful solopreneur who runs a consulting business, a path he has chosen very consciously. But there’s a large part of him that still expects support throughout this journey.

The question is, of course, who is he unconsciously expecting this support from?

Well, long story short… his father.

Everything John does feels heavy, tainted by the weight of his absent father, stopping him from taking risks and getting the hard stuff done out of fear of failing without having anyone there to support him, or be there for him if everything goes wrong.

He has (un)consciously been holding his father accountable for things he needs to do himself. This is his inner victim is in control — a way of thinking and being that is rigid, blaming, pessimistic, entitled, stuck in the past, unforgiving, punitive, and without healthy limits or boundaries.

As much as John has the right to be angry (and sad!) for the lack of support during his formative years, to free himself from the burdens of the past, he must acknowledge that he is the one responsible for his life now, and confront the inner victim that stops him from reaching his highest aims, potential, purpose and joy in life.

John needs to realise that his father isn’t going to come to the rescue. Nor anyone else. He needs to take the wheel from the little guy who’s still waiting for his dad, or some sort of father figure, to be the guiding force and the safe harbour that the younger version of himself so desperately needed.

For John, this means not just acknowledging the little guy within and learning to ‘hold’ him (and everything that he is feeling!), but also showing him a clear, and different path forward. A counter-strategy that reassures this much younger part (instead of neglect) — so much so that the little guy has a reason to trust John.

However, to put ourselves in the position to take back control, we must come out of hiding, or in other words, we must first learn and be willing to face the part of ourselves that we find so difficult to accept.

I’ve worked with hundreds of clients who simply don’t know how to, or are completely oblivious to how they should show compassion to their inner victim.

These are the folks who ignore the pleas of their inner victim because it’s either too painful or too embarrassing to face. They might think, “I should be stronger than this,” or “Why am I still hung up on things from so long ago?”

So, they run, hide, or stay blind to this part of themselves — denying its very existence.

But denial isn’t a solution — it’s a temporary escape that comes back to bite us when we least expect it and keeps directing the course of our lives. Which might look like starting projects but never finishing them, setting goals but abandoning them halfway, or entering relationships only to sabotage them because, deep down, we feel incapable of navigating the fear, shame and doubts that come with it.

These behaviours are the inner victim’s way of proving that “the world is against me”, reinforcing what they already believe to be true about themselves and the world around them.

So, if this resonates with you and you’re seeking a practical way to break free from the strange, all too familiar, repeating loop, I invite you to reclaim control with the following steps.

Step 1: Identify where in your life you’re blaming, projecting, making excuses or avoiding taking responsibility.
Begin by noting situations in which you blame others, project insecurities, complain or actively avoid taking responsibility.

Ask yourself: Is there a project, conversation, or decision that you’ve been putting off?

Step 2: Identify who you become when you face this situation.
As soon as you understand where and when your inner victim is in the driver’s seat, it’s essential to identify how you respond. This step involves taking a step back and making conscious observations of your patterns of behaviour that emerge under stress or discomfort.

Ask yourself: Who do you become when I face this situation? Are you burying yourself in lesser tasks, creating distractions, or simply freezing up at the thought of confronting them?

Get really honest with yourself here.

Step 3: Give your inner victim a seat at the table
Now, this is the stage where we bring compassion to the little guy or girl within. Grab a journal and give yourself at least 30 mins without distraction to give this part of you a voice. In your journal, allow your inner victim to express itself without judgment.

Ask him or her: What do you want me to know? What is it that you fear? What is it that you long for? How can I best support, help, or guide you?

This practice of giving your inner victim a “seat at the table” is a powerful way to understand and integrate this part of yourself.

Step 4: Learn to connect and regulate your emotions
As you give voice to your inner victim, stay present to what comes alive in you. Notice where you feel the tension or discomfort — perhaps in your chest, stomach, or shoulders.

Take deep, calming breaths and focus on these areas, giving yourself permission to fully experience and then release the tension. In turn, this will help you regulate the emotions you feel while staying grounded, instead of running from overwhelm, fear, and shame.

Disclaimer: If, at any point, the emotional response becomes overwhelming, do not force yourself to delve deeper into these feelings on your own. It’s important to recognise when professional help is needed. Seeking assistance from a trauma-informed coach or therapist can provide the necessary support to safely process these emotions.

Step 5: Create a ‘counter-strategy’.
Now, counter the compassion with accountability. Identify small, actionable steps you can take when you notice the inner victim wanting to take the driver’s seat. These steps should be specific and clear, so that you can say “Hey little dude, I see you and I know you’re afraid. I’m here with you but I’m in charge now, and this is what we’re going to do.”

Remember, the more clarity and direction you provide, the easier it is for your mind to act upon it and avoid reverting to familiar, unhelpful patterns.

Step 6: Take radical responsibility.
The final stage is taking radical responsibility and just eating your “frog” and doing what you said you would, no matter what.

By consistently showing up for yourself, you demonstrate to your inner victim that you are capable and trustworthy, building (self) trust and reassuring the little guy or girl inside that he can rely on your words and leadership.

And remember, integrating your inner victim isn’t a one-time fix, it’s an ongoing journey. Every step you take is an opportunity to grow into the free, capable and self-led person you are capable of being.

If you’re still with me, thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope that the insights and tools will help you open the door to what you desire most.