Sometimes, it’s the simplest questions that can stop us in our tracks and make us question everything.

Like one of my clients, “Karin” — a high-performing manager at one of the world’s top consultancy firms. We have a call every Monday morning, and like clockwork, she’d come to me, explaining the same problem but in a different context.

Despite what it looked like to her senior managers, peers and the outside world, Karin felt like she was only as good as her last performance and therefore she was always seeking for the next, bigger or better opportunity, but never feeling truly complete and accomplished.

It was in fact quite the opposite — she felt drained and started to lose hope that things could be different.

At the start of every call, I ask her how she is — to which she always responds on auto-pilot with an almost mechanical ‘I’m fine and you?”

That was until last Monday, when I asked again, letting the silence hang heavier this time before replying, “Are you?”

That pause, that moment of genuine inquiry, cracked open a door she’d kept sealed. The truth spilled out — she wasn’t fine. She was sick and tired of always being on and available, sidelining her personal life and joys for a job that demanded her all but gave back so little in return.

So I asked her — “if you had known from the start that you had to neglect your health and give up on the things that are important to you, would you have still signed on the dotted line?”

Karin answered — “no, of course not Jord.”

I asked her — “then what makes it acceptable for you right now?”

Karin didn’t have an answer. Not because she didn’t understand the question, but because she had never considered it.

But more importantly — she lacked a clear set of principles, and a bottom line that showed her what is and isn’t acceptable, which is what had allowed her career (and life!) to spiral out of control — through what’s known as shifting baseline syndrome.

The Shifting Baseline Syndrome — as introduced by Daniel Pauly — says that we humans, (being the forgetful species we are!) often fail to notice the changes happening around us. We get too used to our surroundings and believe it’s how things have always been.

Which, put simply, can be explained as the situation in which over time knowledge is lost about the state of the natural world because people don’t perceive the changes that are actually taking place.

This can easily translate into our personal and professional lives as well.

Without an understanding of your values and principles, but especially without a clear bottom line, we gradually adjust our expectations lower and lower without even realising it, accepting less and less, until our current state is a shadow of what we once deemed acceptable.

This was precisely what had happened to Karin.

Over the years, her work life had slowly encroached more and more on her personal time and well-being, redefining her sense of “normal” to the point where she accepted a perpetual state of stress and overcommitment as just part of the job.

Each incremental increase in her workload was barely noticeable compared to the week or month, but vastly different from years prior. Without a clear bottom line, she had no marker to tell her she had drifted dangerously off course.

Karin’s case is not unique.

Many of us fail to establish standards — a solid baseline — for ourselves in the different areas of our lives, be it in our relationships, our careers, our health, or our personal goals. We adjust and often lower ourselves to the standards of our immediate environment — becoming victims to the whims and desires of others.

Without defining what is absolutely unacceptable, we tolerate much more than we should and let the unacceptable become the norm. We adapt, we accept, but slowly lose touch with pieces of ourselves that are vital to our existence.

And this is why so many find themselves thrown out of the driver’s seat of their own lives, being steered by circumstances, by other people’s needs and expectations, or by a vague sense of obligation that no longer serves them.

We blame, we project, we complain.

So when someone asks how you are and you respond with an “I’m fine and you?”

Just pause for a moment and think — are you?

The reason I’m asking you is because it’s a slippery slope, and the power you lose from tolerating what you once deemed to be intolerable is not just about feeling unhappy or unfulfilled.

It’s about losing your sense of agency — your ability to trust yourself and act upon what you know is right, true and important to you.

When you don’t know or can’t articulate what you absolutely will not tolerate, you end up passively accepting whatever comes your way. And more often than not, what comes your way is less than you deserve.

This is why setting a bottom line, a non-negotiable threshold, is so crucial. It doesn’t just protect you — it empowers you. It gives you the leverage to say, “I deserve better.” It allows you to regain control and to make choices that align with your deepest desires and needs.

What I’m trying to say here, is to set higher standards for yourself and keep a close eye on them.

So, I challenge you to find (if you haven’t already!) and commit yourself to your bottom line:

• What must you absolutely have in your relationships to feel loved, respected and supported?
• What is the bare minimum that you need from your career to feel valued and fulfilled?
• What is the line in the sand that you must draw in order to uphold your integrity and sense of self?
• What fundamental habits must you integrate into your daily routine to maintain your physical and mental well-being?

Whatever it is — don’t wait until the time that you need it and don’t have it. Do it now. Because it’s from this place — a place of self-respect — that you attract the very essence of what you desire.

It’s a principle that has proven true in my life, and I trust it will in yours.