Perhaps you’d take the leap and start that business sooner, or maybe you’d commit wholeheartedly to that relationship with the person who felt just right, or even steer clear of decisions that ended up spiralling into painful, embarrassing, or challenging outcomes.

But the stark — yet liberating truth — is that if you went back and fixed all the difficult and painful experiences you’ve ever had, you would erase who you are today.

Every misstep, every choice, every rejection, every heartbreak and every moment of sheer bad luck has shaped you into who you are.

But despite the wisdom and resilience gained from past — often painful — experiences, we often grow a thick armour to protect us from having to face and feel the pain we once experienced.

Whilst these ‘adaptive survival responses’ are important and necessary at times, it’s crucial to recognise when these strategies have outlived their purpose.

When the behaviours that once kept you safe from rejection, now keep you comfortable but stagnant.

When the behaviours that once helped you to protect your tender (and perhaps) broken heart now keep you trapped behind walls of protection, hiding you from the blessings that lie on the other side.

When the behaviours that once allowed you to be ‘free’ from the restrictions you once faced now (un)consciously turn you into the architect of your own confinement.

Take one of my clients, let’s call him James, for example — an ambitious guy working for one of the world’s top 5 consultancy firms, armed with ambition, ideas, and a deep desire to start and grow his own business that will allow him to enjoy a more adventurous and fulfilling life.

He knows what he needs to do and has all the resources that he could possibly need at his disposal in order to make it happen.

Yet, he hesitates, plagued by the inaccurate beliefs that he holds about himself.

Beliefs that are formed from the subtle and not-so-subtle feedback he received from his environment in his early years, along with the (often false) conclusions that he formed from difficult experiences and past failures.

These beliefs then manifest in the form of emotions like anxiety, fear, regret and worthlessness — and from these emotions, he’s reminded of the behaviours that once kept him safe.

And so, he reverts back to the survival mechanisms that once kept him safe. He hides behind their walls of protection — in the form of hiding, shrinking, playing it safe, staying within the lines and ducking the big moves — believing that’s who he is rather than how he learned to cope.

He adopts these survival mechanisms as his entire personality, but as Gabor Mate MD said — “what we call personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self, but the loss of it”.

This is what I call the core destructive belief.

The one belief we hold true about ourselves and the world around us that keeps us from the opportunities and outcomes that lie on the other side of the wall.

And so people like James — in an effort to outwork their feelings of inadequacy or regret — often dive headfirst into work, believing that if they can just outpace their insecurities, doubts and fears, success will follow.

Yet, this relentless drive — often masquerading as another protective mechanism — leads them into a pattern of working tirelessly, pushing themselves to their limits.

And so when they inevitably burn out — the feelings of exhaustion and worthlessness that come with it remind them of the walls that they still have up from their childhood experiences.

Which is when whatever behaviours that once protected them — shutting the world out, turning to substances or any other quick hit of dopamine — rise again.

These protective behaviours, while born from moments of vulnerability and pain, are double-edged swords. They emerge with good intentions, and a deep-seated desire to be seen, loved and admired. Or at the very least, to feel safe.

The tragic irony is that the very thing we thought would keep us ‘safe’ and make us ‘happy’ has now become the barrier preventing us from experiencing the depth, richness and joy of a fully-lived life.

And the same can be said for our personal relationships.

Just like the entrepreneur (James) who shelters behind walls of doubt and fear, many (if not all!) of us carry protective barriers into our relationships.

People get hurt, cheated on, betrayed, and so, instinctively, they build walls around themselves to avoid experiencing such pain again. Which at the time seemed like a reasonable response — a way to safeguard their tender hearts.

These walls start as guardians, keeping us safe from repeating painful experiences, but over time, they morph into barricades that keep us from the connection, love and intimacy we deeply crave.

Even when they encounter someone they are intimately drawn to, their well-intentioned protective mechanisms spring into action, testing, pushing and pulling — creating a dynamic that’s hard to manage.

These walls, while they mean to shield us, end up doing the opposite. They create a paradox where we deep down yearn for love and connection (as we all do!) but push people away when they come too close.

It’s the fear of being vulnerable, of opening our hearts once more and potentially getting hurt again — a sensation that can be so overwhelming that it suppresses our ability to fully engage in a relationship, to love and be loved.

The result? We attract or enter relationships that reinforce these beliefs.

And no one wants to hear this — but if we get radically honest with ourselves, sabotaging potentially healthy relationships or projecting our wounds onto our (ex) partners, is a sign of a deeper belief at play.

We might find that the reason we choose the one who is emotionally unavailable, who can’t commit, who love bombs and lies is because it serves us on some level.

The sick and twisted truth about human nature is that as much as we crave to love and be loved, if love has once proven to be a painful experience there’s a part of us that is terrified of being loved, and chosen for who we are.

And so reenacting dysfunctional relationship dynamics can feel safer than exposing ourselves to the risk of being seen, chosen and loved.

But the truth is, every relationship comes with the risk of pain.

There’s no guarantee against heartache.

However, there is the potential for incredible joy, growth, connection and intimacy. By courageously letting down our guard — but keeping our wits about us — we can (step by step!) open ourselves to experiencing love in its purest form.

The unfortunate truth is that we often must repeat such patterns many times before we’re finally willing to let them go.

And the challenge we all face is, can we become aware before life forces it upon us?

Or does life need to shatter our illusions in a humbling encounter with reality, which manifests in the form of loneliness, failure, burn-out, divorce, accidents, depression or disease?

Because the reality is, as long as you’re not willing to let go of what’s no longer serving you, life will be more than willing to repeat the lesson you struggle with in harder forms until you’re willing to embrace the inevitable and learn from it.

Which at its core, is life’s way of inviting you to become self-led.

To listen to where life is begging you to drop in more (or less).

To recognise what life is expecting from you, rather than what you are expecting from life.

To answer the call.

And face it with unwavering abandon.

It involves breaking down the walls we’ve built and exposing ourselves to the risk we fear facing. This process isn’t easy, but it’s where true connection, growth and transformation lie.