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I hear it all the time — it’s so hard to change…
And I get it. I see so many trying. They know what they want. They recognise the cycles they don’t want to relive — the stress, the frustration, the burnout, the betrayals or the same disappointing results.
Yet, despite everything they do, despite how much they want to change and how much they genuinely try, they struggle to break free from the strange repeating loop they find themselves in.
Because, without realising it, they’re taking action on just about everything except the real issue at hand. Sometimes, this is unconscious. Other times, it’s outright avoidance.
Either way, this is why so many people believe change is hard.
Why they lose hope that things can be different.
Why they lower their expectations.
And why they settle for a life that no longer reflects what they once knew they wanted.
But the truth is, it’s not the process of change itself that’s hard.
It’s the resistance to what will have to confront that makes it feel hard, sometimes even impossible.
And the more we fight what we need to confront, the more we’ll suffer in our journey to overcome it. In simpler terms:
Suffering = Discomfort X Resistance to Discomfort.
And so today, I want to break this down — how we make change harder than it has to be — and, more importantly, how to approach change in a way that empowers you to start using it as fuel to get what you truly want and deserve in life.
A good place to start lies in understanding the two distinct approaches people take when faced with change. And to simplify things I divide the world into two types of people.
There are those who, when life disrupts their reality, spend all their energy trying to get back to familiar grounds. To what feels like safety.
They believe the reason they keep experiencing the same frustrations, setbacks, or pain is because of something external — other people, circumstances, or simply bad luck. That it’s happening by chance, rather than by choice.
Their focus is on fixing, projecting, blaming, or waiting for something outside of themselves to change, so they don’t have to change the one thing that must be changed.
They feel unfulfilled at work and, instead of reassessing whether their role aligns with their strengths, values, and interests, they chase the same title at a different company — convinced that a new environment will bring a different result.
They leave a relationship and, instead of confronting the deeper dynamics at play, they find someone new who feels just like home — not realising that home was never safe to begin with.
They experience ongoing health issues — fatigue, gut issues, or hormonal imbalances — and instead of addressing the underlying stress, they chase quick fixes, hoping cold plunges, supplements, or blue light blockers will compensate for a system that’s stretched beyond its capacity.
I call them X-Y-X people — they struggle to embrace change because, whether they don’t see it, don’t know how, or don’t want to admit it, facing the part of themselves — or their life — that must change feels too uncertain, too uncomfortable, or simply too confronting.
On the other side of the spectrum sit those who, when faced with disruption, don’t try to put things back the way they were and hope for a different outcome.
They don’t chase the same job, the same relationship dynamic, or the same unsustainable habits, hoping for a different result. They look at the role they play in their circumstances, and can acknowldge when their old, once effective, ways of doing things are no longer serving them.
I call them X-Y-Z people — they, instead of returning to their familiar ways (X), embrace the changing circumstances (Y), lean into uncertainty, and use it as fuel to adapt, to learn, and to grow into someone new — better, wiser, kinder, and more resilient (Z).
The interesting part is that we’re all born as X-Y-Z people — naturally open, adaptable, and wired to explore and grow. Yet, as we develop, all of us shift into X-Y-X patterns to varying degrees.
The extent to which we remain open and adaptable isn’t only determined by how much change we’ve been through during our formative years, but by what those experiences have taught us about what earns us approval, acceptance, and belonging, and what keeps us safe from rejection, punishment, or pain.
These are the lessons that have shaped our ego structure — the mental framework we use to make sense of the world and our place in it.
Some people, through supportive experiences, develop a more flexible ego structure. They were given the space to fail without harsh consequences, allowing them to see setbacks as opportunities rather than threats. They had a secure foundation to return to, even when things around them changed. For these individuals, change doesn’t mean losing themselves, but expanding into something more.
But for most of us, the opposite happened.
Some grew up in unpredictable environments where every mistake carried consequences, criticism, or rejection. They lacked stability within the instability, forced to adapt without knowing if they’d be okay on the other side. For them, change became a threat because it meant uncertainty, and uncertainty had real costs.
Others, however, grew up in environments that were too stable — where life was predictable, expectations were clear, and disruptions were rare. For them, change became a threat because it was foreign. Adapting meant stepping outside of what was familiar, safe, and reinforced by their surroundings.
In both cases, the result is the same, a rigid ego structure that sees change as something to be avoided rather than integrated. And this is why change, even the change we say we want, can feel so disruptive and why we often find ourselves stuck and unable to change.
Not because we don’t want to or because we are lazy, but because our deep-rooted survival responses kick in to help us avoid the parts of ourselves (and our lives) that we don’t know how to face.
But here’s what’s important to remember: our ego structure isn’t set in stone.
The patterns we formed weren’t chosen consciously — they were shaped by our experiences. But just as they were shaped, they can be reshaped. Yes, you may have learned to navigate life through a framework built on certainty and predictability, yet it doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
And the shift from being an X-Y-X person to becoming an X-Y-Z is available to everyone.
Yet, breaking free from these patterns isn’t just about wanting to change — it requires moving through the phases of growth that most people get stuck in without realising.
The majority of people are stuck in phase one. This is where we feel stuck, but it doesn’t seem like our fault. We’re caught in the loop of denial, projection and blame — but we don’t see it that way. Every setback feels like something happening to us. Instead of recognising the deeper patterns at play, we project responsibility outward, hoping for things to change so that we don’t have to.
At this stage, the ego is locked in self-preservation mode, resisting any suggestion that the problem could be internal. Change feels threatening, so we cling to familiar narratives:
“If only things were different…”
“If he would just be more…”
“This always happens to me.”
From the outside, it may seem obvious that these patterns are keeping us stuck, but inside the loop, it just feels like reality. Real, just not true.
In phase two, things start to feel different — we recognise that something needs to change, and we start “working on ourselves”. We dive into self-help books, sign up for workshops, try out meditation apps, push our limits in sports, or maybe even hire a coach.
All of these things can be healthy, valuable, and push us forward. Yet, without confronting what actually needs to change, they become another layer of distraction that keeps us from facing the real work.
This cycle continues until the cost of avoidance becomes greater than the cost of change.
Until the relationship ends.
Until the business collapses.
Until the burnout forces us to stop.
Until we wake up one day and no longer recognise the person in the mirror.
This is the moment there is no way out but through. The moment we stop avoiding, stop intellectualizing, and start doing the actual work. This is when we enter phase three — where we finally look within, question our beliefs and behaviours, and take radical responsibility for what we deep down know we need to change. This is the shift that changes everything.
Not just because you’ll finally experience the breakthrough you’ve been longing for, but because you break free from the beliefs, assumptions, and coping mechanisms that have kept you stuck for years, if not decades. And more importantly, because you become someone who remains open, curious and adaptive in the face of change.
Someone who no longer hides or runs from change, but embraces it as an opportunity to forge yourself into the person you were meant to become.
And that changes the entire game.
This is the message that I want to get across to you today. It’s about recognising that your resistance to change isn’t a flaw or a weakness — it’s a deeply ingrained survival.
And this is the core of the work that I do with my clients.
We don’t focus on stacking more habits or techniques on top of old patterns. Instead, we get to the heart of what’s holding them back. We confront the uncomfortable truths, challenge the limiting beliefs, and develop the courage to step into uncharted territory.
Because real change isn’t about doing more. It’s about finally doing what truly matters.
And that starts with radical honesty.
- Where is your ego keeping you trapped in X-Y-X — clinging to what feels safe or familiar, even when it no longer serves you?
- What belief, identity, or coping mechanism are you holding onto because letting go feels more uncomfortable than staying the same?
- What story are you telling yourself that makes it easier to stay the same? And, if nothing changes, what are the consequences you need to accept?
- If you accepted your circumstances as if you had chosen them — not because they’re fair, but because they’re yours to change — what would you do differently? What would radical responsibility look like? And what would it allow you to experience?
- What is the challenge you are called to overcome? What part of you have you been resisting — but deep down, knows it’s time to be integrated?
- If you had nothing to lose and no one to please, what decision would you make today?
Spend some time here, because at the end of the day, what we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.
And maybe, just maybe, you’ll find out that it’s not change (and life itself) that’s hard, but the resistance to what you need to accept and do that makes it hard.
Now, lean in, go do it.
